you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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