He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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