I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
