Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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