Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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