Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
