you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
