i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
