went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
