They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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