Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
