do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
