my room smells like sperm. sweet.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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