does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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