For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
