He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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