if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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