we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
