Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
