I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
