i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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