Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
