Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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