I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
