Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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