Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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