Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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