I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
