If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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