I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize