If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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