Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
