apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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