My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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