just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
