Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
