I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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