I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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