If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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