I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
