I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
