I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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