last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
