My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
