Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
