this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
