It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
