I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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