nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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