The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
