Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
