So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
