i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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