something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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