and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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