I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
