Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize