I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Dear god my vagina.
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