can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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