Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
