For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
