Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
We had to coat check the pizza.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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