the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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